10.24.2016

Striving



I am not perfect.

But I try to be & I try really hard.

I try to make the right decisions. I try to always be what other people need. I try to be the daughter I am called to be & sometimes I feel like I am doing okay. Actually I have been doing okay for a long time. I have had my ups and downs but nothing major. Until this weekend & now I am realizing what I am doing.

I am striving.

Everyone strives even if they don’t realize it but I didn’t realize actually how much I do strive.

I try to be enough. I try to be good. I try to make the grades. I try to be a good friend. I try not to screw up. I try not to step on anyone’s toes. I try, I try, I try.

So I messed up and it hit me really hard. I felt my identity change. From good enough to failure like the snap of a finger.

I am not perfect but I try not to let other people know that. It’s almost like my most protected secret which sounds absolutely ridiculous as I write it down but it's still true.

I am trying to figure out how to fix this. Like God obviously is showing me something that I couldn’t realize without this incident but how do I move forward? How can I try to fix the anxiety that is in the pit of my stomach? I can state affirmatives all day long but I don’t know if I can believe them.

I will never ever be good enough. My striving has me running on a treadmill, faster faster reaching for the donut that will always be just out of grasp. And I am trying to accept this with open arms but part of me still can’t and I don’t know how to change this. I am trying to accept my God given identity not my human worldly identity.

I am a child of God that is viewed as precious beyond diamonds. I am girl. I have maternal instincts because that was what I was created with. I am passionate. I can’t help but love to the point of suffocation. I get hurt because I feel even when I don’t want to. I am overwhelmed by the thoughts that stream through my head. I know the right answer to this question but there is more than this. I cry even though I try not to because maybe somewhere I learned that means I am weak. I take steps with the mile marker in mind. I plan because that leads to success. So I make decisions to try and be worthy enough for the excruciating pain that Jesus went through for me.

Because I feel His love and I just know I am not enough & I don’t understand how he can love me.

Maybe that’s why I strive. Because I am afraid that if I stop trying so hard, He just might pull back a little. And if he did that I couldn’t live with myself. He is everything and I am nothing yet He see’s way more than in me can I can ever possibly see.

& this all started with a lie.

The lie that I could earn it. That’s how I got the love he gives, right?

Wrong.

But somewhere down the line, Satan decided to mess with me about this and, to his joy, I took it and never put it back down. The lie that the striving is how I will survive. That the love is only selectively given to those who earn it.

So I confess with all my heart I am not perfect and don’t ever look at me like I am. I have made so many mistakes just like everyone else but it is a lot harder for me to confess them but I am going to start trying.

So cheers to trying.   

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